Fire licks at my heels as I run blindly through the dark clouds of smoke. I hear a barking and crying and I knew that, that was where I had to go. I sprit towards the sound the crying getting louder and louder. The noise is behind a door, I pull it open and there with her beloved dog is a crying little girl. I grab her and start running back through the smoke, the dog close on my heels. The girl's mouth is covered by my jacket and her eyes are tightly shut. Suddenly I stop panicked at a thought that ran through my head: none of this looks familier.. Are we lost? But then I heard shouts and sirens move in that direction. I see the door and the smoke filled night sky. The girl starts crying and I talk to her soothingly, " It's ok sweetie we're almost there." I can see people and abulences as I make the final sprint. I reach the door and rush outside into the clean night air. I let go of the girl and she rushes over to her anxious family inside an ambulence, her dog following her. I watch as her family pulls her close and they all start to sob. As I turn away I think to myself, I did it, I brought another family saftly together.
Wow Hannah, that was fantastic. i love your use of vocabulary and the way you use words like "licks at my heels".The only thing you should consider is spell check "ambulence". It may be right, but it looks off to me. other than that, great job!
ReplyDeleteI like how you viewed fire from this perspective. I agree with what Abby said with the Spell Check. Otherwise it was a nice piece.
ReplyDeleteI really like the emotion you put into this. It made it enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI like it. As Ryan said, there is a ton of emotion in this piece that made it interesting. Just like Abby stated too, just check the spelling and grammar too. Another thing that I liked about this piece was it was la little bit suspensful and had some voice in it. I also really like how you put the reader in the scene. Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteAs the people before me said, this is a nice piece. It was enjoyable and you really put the reader in the scene. One thing you could do with this though is describe the scene more, make a more imaginable picture for the reader.
ReplyDelete